I am sitting on a bench in Guanajuato, Mexico, trying to determine why Mexicans board public buses the way they do. I am determined to figure this out. I've staked out a seat in front of a bus stop for my scientific observations. This is important and here is why.

I will not lie to you. I have a vested interest in this investigation. Living in this beautiful Colonial Mexican city, I ride the public buses almost daily. Riding the bus to get around can be a convenient way to save on transportation costs. Convenient, yes. Comfortable and safe? I don't think so.

I was sitting next to a woman with multiple packages, multiple kids, and with a look of utter desperation on her face. I mean, who wouldn't be desperate? She had more bundles to carry than any human should and kids in tow to boot. I watched her carefully. She seemed the stereotypical Guanajuato Mexican bus rider. She would give me valuable empirical evidence. She would teach me.

Miles before this woman's bus came roaring up the street, she somehow knew it was coming. This amazes me. I see this all the time. My wife and I can show up at the bus stop and wait for an hour for the bus. Mexicans know exactly when the bus is coming and do not waste their time waiting for it. They just show up when it shows up. I can only assume this capacity is part of their Mexican genes.

This woman jumped up while gathering her bundles and screaming something to her children. The kids were already snapping to attention without being told to and were at the ready. They, too, knew their bus was coming.

Next, a surge of people appeared mysteriously at the front door of the bus. Where these people came from I do not know. They were just suddenly there. Mexicans do not stand in line, they surge. It is like when your two-year-old decides to unravel the entire roll of toilet paper into the commode forming a perfect ball of white glob bouncing and floating in the water. Mexicans blob into buses in no orderly fashion.

If you are a giant gringo trying fuse yourself into the blob of human flesh attempting to board a Mexican bus, here is what happens. The smaller Mexicans (and most will be smaller than you) can and do duck under the arms you are using to grab the bus door handles while trying to board it. They will simply see this as something to exploit and will duck under your arms to wiggle ahead of you.

So picture this. There you are trying to board the bus. You think, "Oh boy it is my turn to board this bus." You grab the handles to haul your carcass into the bus only to have fourteen four-foot-high Mexicans dash under your arms ahead of you.

Once, a nine-hundred-year-old woman grabbed my waist, jerked me back off the bus's step, and jumped on ahead of me.

Now here is what is worth noting: Mexicans never show up on time for anything. This is culturally endemic. It is nothing to shake your American head at nor something about which to click your tongue. It is just the way it is here.

So, where are they going in such a hurry that they need to push you out-of-the-way and get on the bus before you? Bus boarding is the closest thing you will find to witnessing panic in a group of Mexicans. They will rush the door of the bus, seemingly coming from nowhere, in an almost panic to board the bus and yet they are never in a hurry to arrive anywhere on time.

I truly do not get this at all.

I watched that small family rushing the bus in typical Mexican fashion. They were assimilated into the huge blob of humanity trying to board the bus. I can only assume that since no one was left standing when the bus pulled out that they all boarded successfully.

Lessons:

1. Ask any Mexican you see at a bus stop where they are going. If they are waiting for your bus then watch them carefully. They will know when the right bus is coming before you can even hear it.

2. Watch your mark like a hawk. Watch for any sign of movement. Jump up when they start gathering packages or shouting at their kids.

3. Run for all you're worth to the front of the bus and board as quickly as you can. Do not pause for even a nano-second.

4. Try walking to avoid bus riding.

More bus riding stories to come...